I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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