thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
