I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
