pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
