..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
