I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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