i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
