Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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