So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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