we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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