I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
