peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
