So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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