True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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