Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
