help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
