Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
