New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
