The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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