I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
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