Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
