Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
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