mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
