____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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