hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
