its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
