Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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