Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
