haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
