Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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