I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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