I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize