im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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