hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
