I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
