If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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