One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
