In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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