dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
