Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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