is your mom at the bar?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
