I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
