My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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