ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
