I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
