my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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