Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
