New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
