Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
