Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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