Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
