I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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