i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize