I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
