I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
