You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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