alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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