im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
