dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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