I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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