My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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