i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
