I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
