If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
